It’s Been a Long December…

Well, New Year’s is almost here. You are no doubt sitting in a swirling vortex of leftovers and shredded wrapping paper, wondering why people brought fifty pounds of homemade cookies to your house when you had enough left over to feed Ethiopia for three weeks. The best part is the after-dinner movie, either Christmas Vacation or the immortal Christmas classic Die Hard. You always fall asleep clutching your superfull belly, but hey, you’ve seen this movie a thousand times.

I did hear recently that Drake and Kanye were Twitter beefing about whose the better rapper. Can I take neither on this? I even thought of a great Christmas present for the people of Earth. I now openly challenge both Kanye and Drake to a fist fight. One million apiece. If either wins, they get one million. If I win, they quit doing music and have to resign from all social media. You’re welcome America (and Canada for all you Drake fans). This challenge is also open to Adam Levine of Maroon 5, another asshole that needs to disappear from the airwaves.

It’s not that I hate all male pop stars. I think hanging with Timberlake or Bruno Mars would be great. They seem like cool dudes that haven’t been changed by fame. The others seem to use their fame to treat other people like garbage and be dicks to people, and then get away with it because they are famous. Hence the taking fame out of the equation so that they can shut the hell up about their incessant nonsense.

I had the same problem with Christmas that I had with birthdays. Do I provide a gift bag if the dude is getting a giant bag of gummy worms and a fifth of Jameson? Luckily my wife is more cultured than I, and she placed the items in a festive bag. I would have opted for the brown bag provided by the liquor store. That’s why my wife and I are so good together. She gets me. And she covers my glaring deficiencies. Although it was fun to watch people open gifts at Kat’s house. Wrapping paper torn to shreds and tape in your eyebrows, as you eagerly tear open the box with your teeth to see what’s inside. Suddenly you’re a kid again, opening presents from Santa on Christmas Day. The sad part is the dog got more presents than anyone. Well, he is the baby after all

I would like to take this time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. And if it happens to be your birthday in there, then Happy Birthday as well. And what better way to celebrate than to give a Top 5 of Christmas Movies.

5. It’s a Wonderful Life. I know this movie is a little cliche, but it does have a great story. Black and white makes it that much better, and it’s Jimmy Stewart at his best.

4. Miracle on 34th Street. This movie shows you that Santa can be terrifying. And miracles do happen.

3. Bad Santa. Clearly the funniest of the movies so far. Not for the faint of heart, Billy Bob Thornton embodies everything wrong with Christmas. But he wins out in the end.

2. A Christmas Story. The Red Ryder BB Gun. The Leg Lamp marked “fra-Jil-ae”. The infamous tongue on metal pole scene. This movie teaches real life lessons.

1. National Lampoon Christmas Vacation. Was there ever any doubt? Chevy chase doing the physical comedy that made him famous. Cousin Eddie cleaning the shiiter into the gutters. Enough electricity to power a third world nation. “We’re the jolliest assholes this side of the nuthouse.” Add in the part with Elaine from Seinfeld as the yuppie bitch next door, and it’s all comedy gold.

Honorable mention goes to Die Hard, which was set during Christmas but actually came out in Summer. Also nods to Polar Express and Four Christmases. Great movies, but not in the top 5. If you’re looking for any Hallmark/Lifetime movies on here, you’re in a place where you need serious help.

The only other news to report is that I have started a diary. That’s right, I keep a journal.. of beer. I recently discovered that Lowe’s Foods has a Sixer Mixer you can purchase for $10.99. They have cold beers you can purchase in a six pack. I can try six different beers and see if they are good or not. And I keep track, because they change up beers about every two weeks. Don’t want to buy the same beers over and over. And the beers run the gamut from Brooklyn to Wicked Weed. So I put if the beers are good or not. So if you see me at Lowe’s, that’s why. Have to make another 12 journal entries.

That about covers it. Hope the holidays treated everyone right. We had Kat’s vegan Christmas dinner, and it was delicious. Vegan–not just salad anymore. Be sure to enjoy family time and treat each other well.

As for Kanye, Drake, and Levine…I’m still waiting

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