Fell on Dark Days

I did kind of fall off the planet for awhile. I’d love to say it had any real significance or importance, but the reality is that I’ve been down for awhile. Depressed, upset, not happy at work. Whatever you want to call it, I haven’t been myself. More on that later.

I have had a recurring nightmare lately that flashes back to when my father passed away. I remember the moment, when my father was lying there passing into the next world. I was there with my mother and grandmother, as well as the Hospital Chaplain. I’m not ashamed to say we were all in tears as my father made his way to Heaven. It felt like eternity, but it was really less than a minute in duration. Flash forward to now, and my nightmare comes full circle. I see it in third person, where I’m the one lying lifeless in the bed, and my wife and girls are in the room crying. It’s been a dream for awhile now. I just wonder if there is self awareness on the other side, or do you join a happiness collective where the problems of the world no longer apply to you. I suppose I will find out in the end, but it breaks my heart that they all will be out through that. I know how I felt, and I hope that no one ever feels that way.

In other news with me, I have been a little salty lately. I had an incident which was documented on Facebook. While not divulging any details, an incident occurred with me and a former friend. This friend confided in a close friend of mine details about their personal life. My friend then told me of said problems, because we were all supposed to be friends. This friend then got upset because I reached out to them during their time of need, offering my services to help with their problems in any way possible. Instead of telling me that they did not appreciate my involvement, they ran back and tattled to my close friend. Of course, this caused a rift between me and my friend. So the moral of my story is DON’T HELP ANYONE. If you ask for help, I’ll see what I can do. It sucks for a lot of people, because I always put their needs above my own. But no longer. And as for the individual with the problem with me…I don’t care if your house burns down with you in it. Don’t.Call.Me. EVER.

I am still recovering from all of my medical issues. There is still soreness at the surgery site, coupled with the usual pains of being forty plus and doing manual labor most of your life. The Doc says I will probably never be 100 percent again. But with help I can be as close as possible. I am trying. Beer will always call to me. I just have to ignore it sometimes.

I am also trying to convert from night shift back to days. It’s not that I love working days at all. But night shift is different when you’re in your 20s versus in your 40s. In your 20s, life is good. You can sleep 2 hours and be up for three days. In your 40s you need a bit more sleep and recovery time. That and your time is mostly spent alone. You are up when everyone is asleep. Then when you have a night off, you fall asleep at 10 on and sleep til 3am. Then you’re awake, watching movies and drinking beer, and possibly working on a new blog post. It’s a lonely life, and it needs to change.

So fear not, dear readers. I am alive and well, just going through some dark days. I will attempt to write more on the regular, but no promises. Til then…

2 thoughts on “Fell on Dark Days

  1. I can relate. My sleep problems sent me off to a doctor. They gave me a CPAP machine, but it doesn’t seen to help too much. I am been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and it sucks in ways people can’t imagine. You never feel “rested”, and always feel tired. I can only sleep a couple of hours at a time; I would give anything for a nice 7 hours uninterrupted sleep. I work evenings as opposed to nights, but another place this has screwed me up is my eating habits, which kind of like don’t exist. I’ve put on becoup pounds and its bad for my back, bad for my heart, and bad for my mirror(!). I’ve gone to the nutritionist to work on this. It will take time.
    My Dad passed away March 1 after a grueling, long bout with Parkinson’s. My poor Mom insisted on sharing the room with him, and watched this sad passion play unfold before her eyes. The last eight weeks, especially the last 10 days, were too much to go into. Not to mention the years with which he lived with it prior. An unintended consequence is now that my Mom is very dependent on me to the point where I can’t keep up with her. I’m leaving a lot out here… I’ve sought counseling for an inner mounting rage within me as a result of all this. I would suggest the same for you. It’s a $25 copay every 2 weeks and I was lucky to find someone i “clicked” with. I offer this as advice if the walls start closing in. It couldn’t hurt to give it a try.

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    1. I have sought out counseling for my issues. As usual, something always gets in the way. I tried CPAP, and honestly couldn’t sleep with the machine on. I kept pulling the tube out in my sleep, and I honestly felt like I was choking. I am sorry to hear about your father; I guess the silver lining is that the suffering is over. Now the part where you help your mother get on with her life. It’s been almost three years for us, and we still have bad times. But it does get better. Here’s to hoping that counseling will help

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